Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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