i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
