i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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