I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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