Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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