The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You ruined the universe
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
