I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
