just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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