I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
