Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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