We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
