ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
