Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Found your dick twin last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
