got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
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I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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