so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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