Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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