Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish