i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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