you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
how does that bad decision feel?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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