I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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