So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
