I'd wear matching sweaters with you
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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