my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
