he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
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when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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