maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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