She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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