so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
