I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
