i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
