My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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