I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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