we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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