Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
