I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
