the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
