Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
