I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
