just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just threw up on my dentist
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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