Don't make out with my wife yet
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
