My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
