I wish my penis had an off switch
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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