I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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