my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
