Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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