There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
