You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
