she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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