Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
