im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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