they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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