Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
