it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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