We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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