mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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