you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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